Finally, a light!

First of all, thank you Moonwoolf for the reactions. They did cheer me up!

Secondly, I finally decided on a Sarah Day! Just a complete day, only for me, just a little selfish me day.

What I will do? I decided it would be good to take a closer look to my closet and the way I’m dressed. Since this is part of me feeling unhappy from time to time, I booked a day at a consultant who helps you with which colours and which style is making you look better, without actually changing anything to your body, but just by changing the clothes or wearing clothes differently.

At first, I was a little sceptic, not knowing if investing in that rather small expensive gift for myself would be the thing that would make me happy but after talking to the lady who does the analysis and gives the advises, I’m in. Quite a lot of time I had the feeling she understand what I mean and that she can teach me what I should and should not do. Awesome!
I hope she can somehow learn me to touch that button to let me feel proud and happy of myself. Or as I sometimes feel when I came back from the hairdresser: just on a little cloud, my very own cloud, just being proud about myself!

Let’s wait and see if that can happen, but I somehow have the feeling that it will be possible.

Februari 28th will be my own day.

I know it’s not a day widely accepted, but that day, will this year be my very own Sarah Day!

Now I will head to the postcards, lettersets, pen and envelopes to write postcards and letters….

Not sure what why and how, but I feel terrible.. useless, sad, as if I’d better take my car and find the nearest tree…

I’m not sure what has caused me to feel like this, but I certainly know that the fact things are so strange at work, make me feel more unhappy and alone than happy and joyful.

In the year that I work here now, I never felt longer than a month happy with my place. I don’t know if this unhappyness means I should leave my job. I also don’t know what I should be doing then if I’d leave my job. The economic situation is currently so bad and since I’m junior in everything that I do, it will be hard and not easy to get hired somewhere. There are so many colleagues who are having a close friend, someone they work with but at the same time, feels the other one. From so many colleagues there’s not really anyone making that click. I’m too silent, shy and afraid and I am uncertain about myself, why should I be a good consultant?

There’s nothing of all my personality that is somehow fitting into the image that I have of a perfect consultant. How can I ever become one than, if I feel I don’t have any of those qualities?

Also the work that I currently do, in the year that I work here now, I have worked and saw every screen but the screens I should see. The things I applied for. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a terrible failure.

And there’s only one solution to ‘erase’ or get rid of that terrible failure….

I don’t know what to do, nor what to think or feel. But even in my private life, I barely have any close friends that I can talk to face to face. I do have some really supporting penpals, but whenever something’s wrong, I can’t call anyone to ask for any kind of help. There’s barely anyone out there for me.

The only thing that I wish for right now, is just the presence of something sharp…

… and that I can use it freely, without any doubt or anyone stopping me on my arms.

Just going up and down..

Until the pain inside of me goes away

Until it’s all gone

Until no one expects anything anymore from me

Until ….